March 1, 2009

how do you keep the fire burning?
what do you do to evade the moment when the flames die out?

time and again, i’ve been caught up in a battle with myself lasting for seconds, hours, days or even months. i’d be lying if i said that i never complained of the rigors that Nursing had me go through and is still requiring me to go through. flashback a few months ago and you’d catch me in a reverie, thinking about shifting to another course or just drop everything and quit going to school altogether. at first it all seemed convincing, tempting, reasonable even, what with so many requirements and mental work required from us everyday plus the fact that my grades were going downhill from my point of view.

but after the tears have dried and the world continued to shift from night to day, people important to me began to feed me with blueprints of the future. and of course, i took it in and bathed in the uncertainty of it. i was blown away with the many possibilities and the beautiful scenes that attracted me to stick to my side of the road. i evaluated my condition and trodged back to walking the path towards a degree in BS Nursing.

yet, the questions didn’t stop. my decision didn’t answer any of the two questions but instead, added more complicated ones!

there did come a point where i felt like i was standing on a cliff, all the time spent in my hands before me, ready for release as i let them fall. but what made me step back and return? what pushed me and is still pushing me to continuee to fan the flame for learning and finish what i started? what is it that feeds my strength and patience and never fails to find any source of hope for me to take with me and go on? for these past two years, i circled my soul and searched for answers. And now, I know.

it’s one thing that light illuminates our surroundings, but it’s fairly a different issue when darkness and bleak flashes of black outs enable the stars and the moon to shine out, and when called for, allow them to share their energy to those in need to let them shine in themselves too. there will always be a gush of wind that blows us to places where we belong. and this wind that alternates its role as light on one end, and darkness in the other end is actually nothing. it is simply nothing. despair and joy, ambition and pity, sacrifices and rewards–they all come from nothing. but how in the world can something come out of nothing?

let’s just look at it this way: when i look at myself, i fear of being forgotten when the time comes that my body will fail to function, and so therefore, i take responsibility and do what i can to avoid being nothing. in the same manner, a rich man wants nothing to do with his wealth, and so he falls off from the society and become somebody else, a “nothing” in the eyes of his ancestors, just like that of St. Anthony of Padua. did i really answer my questions?

ha. this senseless. i can’t sleep and my mind is suddenly overflowing with words.


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