leave me alone

July 4, 2011

it’s not that i don’t know what i want, it’s just that i want so many things but i don’t know which should come first. i’m mixing my blueprints with photographs, taking down hope and then building walls out of missed opportunities and fears.

and though i seem tired, there are things that excite me and i want to pursue those things because i feel more alive, more worthy, but i hold back because of the guilt. i hold back, but i also hold on to those few precious stones discovered in the recesses of my hollowed out frame.

i just hate it when people take advantage to hammer the guilt and reinforce it over and over with desperation just because the feeling of neglect overwhelms the selfish too many times. sad huh? and they call us lucky for having been given the gift of choice. pfft.

and because i’ve grown in a household of rants, absences and rooms overflowing with regrets and anger, i just want to run away or explode into ashes.

i want to be a part of the world but all i can do is sleep and dream. and this is the life i take home everyday.

what i’d give to go out on my own.

**

are feelings there to be shown? were they made to exist in order for us to express it out loud to that chosen individual?

why celebrate someone’s birthday when they’re already dead? isn’t that equivalent to digging up an ambition which you’ve long ago laid to rest?

you’re making masochists out of us.

***

i think rain isn’t the tears of angels, of gods or of any form of deity, but the sadness and the pain that we often do not acknowledge in real time. instead of wallowing in self pity, the universe allowed the sky to crumble into water so that it’s the clouds who would cry for us instead.

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