pagmahay

May 11, 2012

we all have limits, and i think i reached mine. so let me be silent as i find the strength to go on. i was at fault–i was too hopeful. when reality set in, i found it felt unreal and unbelievable.

but i understand now.

we’re all selfish in our own ways. i’m re-assigning cynicism as my virtue starting today, just so i would reap less regrets.

**

modern technology has allowed us to communicate with anyone anywhere anytime. the irony is that although we have more accessibility, there is a degradation with our ability to care genuinely, to speak up with prudence and tact and to sincerely take time to listen to the people who matter. is communication really that hard? or have we become complacent that we put less effort to communicate? or perhaps we have grown less sincere with our words and gestures?

if this is what is to become of the human race, then i give up technology. losing the quality of face-to-face conversations and physical presence for the sake of convenience isn’t worth it. it’s not all about rejection or confrontation and it’s not always about us. the determination to block out our true selves in order to avoid rejection only illustrates how selfish humans truly are.

and besides, we weren’t born for the sole purpose to please everyone.

 **

i know i half expected it all this time, but it’s still disappointing when it dawns on me that i was taken for granted, that my hospitality was overstayed and that by the end of it all, i was just used.

i hope i don’t reach that point where everything becomes impersonal and technical to me that even individuals are treated as disposable objects.

okay, maybe i felt too much or spent too much time over analyzing the situation. or maybe i was just plain vulnerable.

lesson learned.

***

i’ve always thought you were real and sincere. but now i don’t know what to think anymore.

you made me believe that we were friends, that you were really interested to spend time with me as me, not as a colleague, but i assumed wrong. very wrong.

all we asked was some coordination and proper communication but i guess that was too much to ask since you seem to be more comfortable talking to one of us in behalf of the two teams.

it’s all heartbreaking and discouraging because you’ve caused me nothing but a heavy heart. and although i try not to carry it around in display, i can’t help but think about it over and over, trying to pinpoint what i did wrong or what i failed to do or what i did too much.

what do you really want? and more importantly, who or what am i to you really?

in spite of it all, at the back of my mind, i still hold on to all the text messages you sent me before–all those sweet lines that pulled me closer to you thinking you were opening yourself to me genuinely. but i know it will only hurt me, eventually. and so now i will start wearing a mask for everyone’s benefit. :/

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