i could have been a rock

December 8, 2009

sometimes it’s comforting to actually have time for yourself to think and to appreciate all that surrounds you, but at other times, the presence of another individual can be soothing and priceless.

i’ve tried my hand at fiction, again, but i’m not sure if it’ll last long enough for me to actually finish something.

you ever wonder how amazing words are? how they can affect one so much that the power overcomes our weaknesses, our frailty? take “i miss you” for example. it’s only three syllables but its mere utterance can make your day a whole lot better. i think it has to do with the fact that people want to be wanted, that humans live to be needed, and stating something like yearning is proof that we can’t live alone. it also implies that being who you are, just living out your life, not merely existing ’cause that’s a different story, can be enough impact on another person that at some point of separation, you are sought after and wanted.

but it’s different when relationships evolve and people’s roles change. i believe the time spent together really is a factor in the quality of the relationship between any two people. see, they may be inseparable in the first semester, but break them off and place them in separate sections and drifting apart is bound to happen. the challenge then is to maintain or at least regulate what you’ve both establish before the separation.

augh. but why am i even talking about relationships when i can’t even keep up with my old friends? why couldn’t i just be a rock? if i had been one, all i’d do is sit idle day in and day out and i wouldn’t have to worry one bit.

there’s this movie, “departures” i saw last December 2. and it made me think so much that i came to a point when i concluded to myself that i could be Japanese. the people of Japan are known for their subtlety and the simplicity of their movies, of their stories and their music. and it got to me: i could survive in Japan or wherever Japanese people are. i could be Japanese. i can go on appreciating landscapes and instrumental piano, cello pieces and the beauty of death for twenty-four hours and i still wouldn’t tire of it!

so much for patriotism.

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if only

August 2, 2008

If only I could move closer to you for another moment and feel your tender breath on my neck. I would savor every second of it as I hold your beautiful skin and listen as you speak like a child for one more time. If only I would be able to hold you in my arms again and pretend once more that you belong to me.

If only time had been on our side and I could have loved you better.

***

If only

It has to be one of the most powerful statements in the world. It’s only three syllables long but those small words hold so much in them when uttered. They express the emotions that take us when we let things slip away, when we let people go, when we don’t do anything to make the situation better and they tell our innermost longings. I think it’s simply what makes nostalgia so contagious. Through it, we feel the weight of our choices and grieve for the end of our chance, the end of something that could have happened but will never return. Regrets only come by the time everything is said and done, but their impact can linger on for the entirety of our lifetimes.

And yet, we can still choose not to let those regrets control us. For one thing, we can avoid them by thinking things thoroughly and then take the risk. If we do just that, we may regret having done something out of proportion, but we wouldn’t regret so much because we knew we tried at least. But then, regrets can also take form in the actions we make. So I’m wondering, what hurts you more, doing or saying things that you wished you didn’t, or not doing anything at all when you had the chance?

If only.

If only we have the answers to all the questions; if only love was enough for people to be happy and to survive healthily; if only we would stop aiming for stars that are too far from our reach; If only we weren’t so curious; and if only we weren’t so apathetic and care more often, and then maybe we wouldn’t feel so burdened with our humanity and make excuses out of it.

what’s it like?

March 20, 2008

blogs and on-line journals are proof.

their trademark : pain, confusion and profound happiness.

so let’s go straight to it: what’s it like to actually have someone look at you and really listen to your soul ringing through your words? what’s it like to have someone look past your facial blemishes and see you for who you are? how does it feel like to be assured that someone would be waiting for you at the other end of the street to run to you and catch you when you scrape your knee or fall head over heels? is it really worthwhile to feel that empty pain resonating inside you for countless days, drowning you in tears and mad confusion and misery, resulting to that threatening feeling of uncertainty, rest assured that no matter what happens, whatever you say or do, someone will always believe in you and for that reason alone, it will always be enough to make things all right?

most stories revolve around romantic love, whether tragic or happily ever after endings. and it’s understandable since we were born out of love and for that, we are born to love and hopefully, be loved in return.

we learned in our Philosophy class that love is actually an illusion, an idea. and yeah, it is somehow true because love doesn’t immediately equal to instant happiness and a chance at happy ever after, unlike what Disney animated films teach us. love is brutal and draining. along with the bliss of being truly whole comes the cruel emptiness and the insecure and sometimes too possessive demands we mortals keep score. as perfect as we picture love to be, it never really is because face it, we’re not superhuman; our love is human in itself too.

what’s amazing about it is the fact that love can move mountains in the sense that when sufficiently supplied, our faith and hope for someone we love will have an effect on the universe and on the person as well. we try and love someone deeply, we change one life and that makes a lot of difference to the rest of the world.

countless people break out of their normal routines and try to be something more just to prove their sincerity and concern for another. tears have been poured over nights of endless confusion and disappointments for someone we want to spend time with. deviants have defied gravity in an effort to go to some distant land with someone outside the family whose soul, one believes, is also of his own.

and although i empathize with their suffering and personal pain, and it’s fun to listen to their heart-wrenching stories and unnoticed gestures of affection, it would be a lot nicer if i could somehow feel it myself. life can get boring at times when you’re only purpose is to listen to other people about their own experiences.

but i’m not complaining. i’m just saying it would be nice. i’m not ready anyway. i’l justl wait for love because i know someday, i’ll go through all its rigors. and i’ll be okay because someone will be with me to go through the agony first hand. one day, i too shall jot down every poetic word that my heart will send across my CNS and i’ll get to have someone hug me just for that.

but for now, let me wonder: what’s it like? is it really worth all the trouble?