November 7, 2012

i’m sorry if sometimes i let the sorrow get to me. i admit that many times i have let myself be taken alive by so many sad thoughts and jumbled out plans or ambitions that i end up ignoring you somehow. i know, it’s been a while since we had a decent heart to heart conversation, and i do wish we would have one one of these most days, but i feel like i would just burden you with unecessary baggage that have been with me all this time.

i want to share myself with you, but i worry that all i have to share is the heavy sadness that holds my eyes downcast. because i think that’s how i begin: enclosed in the dark.

the bigger concern is that what if all that i am won’t be enough?

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pagmahay

May 11, 2012

we all have limits, and i think i reached mine. so let me be silent as i find the strength to go on. i was at fault–i was too hopeful. when reality set in, i found it felt unreal and unbelievable.

but i understand now.

we’re all selfish in our own ways. i’m re-assigning cynicism as my virtue starting today, just so i would reap less regrets.

**

modern technology has allowed us to communicate with anyone anywhere anytime. the irony is that although we have more accessibility, there is a degradation with our ability to care genuinely, to speak up with prudence and tact and to sincerely take time to listen to the people who matter. is communication really that hard? or have we become complacent that we put less effort to communicate? or perhaps we have grown less sincere with our words and gestures?

if this is what is to become of the human race, then i give up technology. losing the quality of face-to-face conversations and physical presence for the sake of convenience isn’t worth it. it’s not all about rejection or confrontation and it’s not always about us. the determination to block out our true selves in order to avoid rejection only illustrates how selfish humans truly are.

and besides, we weren’t born for the sole purpose to please everyone.

 **

i know i half expected it all this time, but it’s still disappointing when it dawns on me that i was taken for granted, that my hospitality was overstayed and that by the end of it all, i was just used.

i hope i don’t reach that point where everything becomes impersonal and technical to me that even individuals are treated as disposable objects.

okay, maybe i felt too much or spent too much time over analyzing the situation. or maybe i was just plain vulnerable.

lesson learned.

***

i’ve always thought you were real and sincere. but now i don’t know what to think anymore.

you made me believe that we were friends, that you were really interested to spend time with me as me, not as a colleague, but i assumed wrong. very wrong.

all we asked was some coordination and proper communication but i guess that was too much to ask since you seem to be more comfortable talking to one of us in behalf of the two teams.

it’s all heartbreaking and discouraging because you’ve caused me nothing but a heavy heart. and although i try not to carry it around in display, i can’t help but think about it over and over, trying to pinpoint what i did wrong or what i failed to do or what i did too much.

what do you really want? and more importantly, who or what am i to you really?

in spite of it all, at the back of my mind, i still hold on to all the text messages you sent me before–all those sweet lines that pulled me closer to you thinking you were opening yourself to me genuinely. but i know it will only hurt me, eventually. and so now i will start wearing a mask for everyone’s benefit. :/

nostalgia allergy

October 22, 2011

it’s in the wee hours of the morning when the truth hums one of the most brutal of lullabies; in the quiet skeleton that remains, the house is now too big for us to occupy.

the little corners we used to ignore, suddenly loom in front of our eyes as cobwebs of yesterday occupy the spaces in eerie but beautiful patterns. the doors creak louder, as if in vain mockery, as if to say over and over how much time has elapsed and how, no matter how much regret we inject in specific intervals for the time we wasted, they can never be taken back and will remain hormonal snapshots subject to human error and prejudice that will dictate our future choices. the walls crumble, but this is not apparent to the eye since termites creep in from the inside, giving off a facade of a sturdy infrastructure which in real time is sagging little by little as it struggles to remain upright with its brittle bones. and all at once, the rooms expand as silence begin to settle, replacing the warm conversations they used to carry. now, applications are no longer just accessory items of the household but have become a secret sanctuary when the dinner table and the patio prove to be unbearable and strange.

when did we stop coming home to each other?

have we decided to imitate our shelter, always leaving the lights on even when nobody’s home, out of fear of being infiltrated? or are we more like the walls–deteriorating from osteoporosis but still tenaciously standing out of practicality’s sake?

writing to reach you

September 6, 2010

so maybe i can’t do it alone.

i quit one of my passions because i want to grow.
i didn’t find meaning in what i did, unlike before.

i still play. but even now with the team getting together, i still yearn for something more.

and how i wish i could express it all. but i can’t.

i won’t try because i might never reach you.

fallen misguided ghost

February 13, 2010

“Fallen”

Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I’ve tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I’ve tried, I’ve fallen…
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come round here
And tell me I told you so…

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
THe past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It’s the bitter taste of losing everything
That I’ve held so dear.

I’ve fallen…
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come round here
And tell me I told you so…

Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I’m lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don’t see
But it’s one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn’t seem a way to be redeemed

Though I’ve tried, I’ve fallen…
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come round here
And tell me I told you so…
[2X]


(1,2,3,4)

I’m going away for a while
But I’ll be back, don’t try and follow me
‘Cause I’ll return as soon as possible
See I’m trying to find my place
But it might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistakes

And run
From them, from them
With no direction
We’ll run from them, from them
With no conviction

‘Cause I’m just one of those ghosts
Traveling endlessly
Don’t need no road
In fact they follow me

And we just go in circles

Now I’m told that this is life
And pain is just a simple compromise
So we can get what we want out of it
Would someone care to classify,
Our broken hearts and twisted minds
So I can find someone to rely on

And run
To them, to them
Full speed ahead
Oh you are not, Useless
We are just

Misguided ghosts
Traveling endlessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away
And there’s no one role
We should not be the same
But I’m just a ghost
And still they echo me

They echo me in circles

–yup, that’s me all right..