i wonder

July 8, 2012

would they mourn for me? would people even attend my funeral?

will i leave behind reasons to be missed, as echoed by Linkin Park’s “Leave out all the Rest”?

during idle times, this is one of the many thoughts i play in my mind just to pass the time.

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pagmahay

May 11, 2012

we all have limits, and i think i reached mine. so let me be silent as i find the strength to go on. i was at fault–i was too hopeful. when reality set in, i found it felt unreal and unbelievable.

but i understand now.

we’re all selfish in our own ways. i’m re-assigning cynicism as my virtue starting today, just so i would reap less regrets.

**

modern technology has allowed us to communicate with anyone anywhere anytime. the irony is that although we have more accessibility, there is a degradation with our ability to care genuinely, to speak up with prudence and tact and to sincerely take time to listen to the people who matter. is communication really that hard? or have we become complacent that we put less effort to communicate? or perhaps we have grown less sincere with our words and gestures?

if this is what is to become of the human race, then i give up technology. losing the quality of face-to-face conversations and physical presence for the sake of convenience isn’t worth it. it’s not all about rejection or confrontation and it’s not always about us. the determination to block out our true selves in order to avoid rejection only illustrates how selfish humans truly are.

and besides, we weren’t born for the sole purpose to please everyone.

 **

i know i half expected it all this time, but it’s still disappointing when it dawns on me that i was taken for granted, that my hospitality was overstayed and that by the end of it all, i was just used.

i hope i don’t reach that point where everything becomes impersonal and technical to me that even individuals are treated as disposable objects.

okay, maybe i felt too much or spent too much time over analyzing the situation. or maybe i was just plain vulnerable.

lesson learned.

***

i’ve always thought you were real and sincere. but now i don’t know what to think anymore.

you made me believe that we were friends, that you were really interested to spend time with me as me, not as a colleague, but i assumed wrong. very wrong.

all we asked was some coordination and proper communication but i guess that was too much to ask since you seem to be more comfortable talking to one of us in behalf of the two teams.

it’s all heartbreaking and discouraging because you’ve caused me nothing but a heavy heart. and although i try not to carry it around in display, i can’t help but think about it over and over, trying to pinpoint what i did wrong or what i failed to do or what i did too much.

what do you really want? and more importantly, who or what am i to you really?

in spite of it all, at the back of my mind, i still hold on to all the text messages you sent me before–all those sweet lines that pulled me closer to you thinking you were opening yourself to me genuinely. but i know it will only hurt me, eventually. and so now i will start wearing a mask for everyone’s benefit. :/

leave me alone

July 4, 2011

it’s not that i don’t know what i want, it’s just that i want so many things but i don’t know which should come first. i’m mixing my blueprints with photographs, taking down hope and then building walls out of missed opportunities and fears.

and though i seem tired, there are things that excite me and i want to pursue those things because i feel more alive, more worthy, but i hold back because of the guilt. i hold back, but i also hold on to those few precious stones discovered in the recesses of my hollowed out frame.

i just hate it when people take advantage to hammer the guilt and reinforce it over and over with desperation just because the feeling of neglect overwhelms the selfish too many times. sad huh? and they call us lucky for having been given the gift of choice. pfft.

and because i’ve grown in a household of rants, absences and rooms overflowing with regrets and anger, i just want to run away or explode into ashes.

i want to be a part of the world but all i can do is sleep and dream. and this is the life i take home everyday.

what i’d give to go out on my own.

**

are feelings there to be shown? were they made to exist in order for us to express it out loud to that chosen individual?

why celebrate someone’s birthday when they’re already dead? isn’t that equivalent to digging up an ambition which you’ve long ago laid to rest?

you’re making masochists out of us.

***

i think rain isn’t the tears of angels, of gods or of any form of deity, but the sadness and the pain that we often do not acknowledge in real time. instead of wallowing in self pity, the universe allowed the sky to crumble into water so that it’s the clouds who would cry for us instead.

exist

July 16, 2009

three hours ago, i kissed my nephew goodnight.

rewind a few minutes before my mom cuddled and tickled him and prior to that, about an hour after eating dinner, there we were in my room, talking.

is existensialism embedded in the genetic code? or is faith something we imitate from our primary caregivers?

Anton voiced out a concern near the end of our conversation. he asked me with some anxiety and fear, tears staining his eyes, “tita ing, what if walay God and wala ta dire and wala ta naborn, maunsa lugar ta?” (tita ing, what if there’s no God and we weren’t here and we didn’t exist, what happens? what would we be and what would we do?)

religion is one issue i still haven’t come to terms with up until now. but since my nine year old nephew’s question, i’ve been asking urging myself to get a move on and to actually live up to my answers. but what if there is no eternity after all? and how could i have been optimistic enough to assure him that there is when i myself haven’t even established a concrete belief in either the non-existence or the existence of a higher deity? what a hypocrite.

how can i guide him to be hopeful and trusting when i myself can’t even hold up to my self-esteem and view the world with rose colored glasses? how can i help him be a better individual, able to empathize and act for change when i, the “role model” is still standing, walking, waiting on shaky ground?

he’s a smart and perceptive kid who knows how to care and how to follow rules. but i want to instill in him the faith that my parents imbued in me. i want him to have a beacon of hope for when the world becomes too much for him. i want that for him because no one deserves to feel afraid of ending up being nothing and to believe that our lives are of no significance. in the first place, our mere birth already means something, so we can’t be nothing now, can we? i need him to be whole and to be whole, he has to establish a firm belief in things that are beyond our hands, of a higher being who somehow governs our ways and how trusting in something incomprehensible can make all the difference in the world. but how will i do that if i’ve already began to strip off my wings feather by feather, long before the question was on the table?

three hours ago, i kissed my nephew goodnight.

his mom is currently out of the country, working for ten months now. his dad has another family while he juggles with my nephew’s school age and his younger son’s preschool activities. meanwhile, my nephew rallies back and forth between our house and his dad’s just to maximize family time.

look what he’s become now: midway through lethargic-psp-toting-basketball addict and a little scientist with his heart on his sleeves.

my place on his growth is crucial now. i have to hurry up before he climbs up to puberty where androgen and testosterone rule me out of his life. and i don’t want to mess this kid’s cognitive and moral development just because i passed on some morbid strain of DNA that enables him to think of life too much in the future. but what can i do? if i could, i would want to take that particular chromosome from his genetic make-up just so he could enjoy life better and be a normal kid. if it’s possible, i would like to have the gene surgically removed so he can be happy instead of ending up like his tita ing.

so every night before he sleeps, i think of all the nights an eight-year old girl once spent her nights lying on her bed, wondering about afterlife accompanied with a weird sensation in the pit of her stomach and tracing patterns on the leaves of the trees outside while her sister beside her dreams of rainy showers with dad and mud pie and beauty and the beast; and i end up angry with myself for not having been sociable enough to distract my imagination but more so for dragging a brilliant but broken nine year old kuya into my morbid labyrinth of miserable curiosity. or is it more of curious misery? pfft. i feel like Erik from the Phantom of the Opera.

For all my years of living, I have come across countless books that made me aware of the fact that people are generally unhappy for various reasons. But why could this happen when our planet and our capable brains have already given us all the conveniences needed for survival? Let’s define the term first before we go any deeper. Aristotle, the great Greek philosopher, believes that happiness is the proper end of man. He said that we should aim for it as it is a natural part of our existence. Yet, Webster simply describes it as a state of well-being and contentment. From these two, one can conclude that happiness is meant for hardworking humans. But it is more than that, for there have been instances when I was thankful and satiated for unexplained reasons. I also believe that like love, happiness is something that we cannot have without consequence; it is elusive and uncommon, and above all, overwhelming beyond words. So why do people not succeed in being happy?

First, we are blind. We look for the wrong things and end up with nothing when it was already right there with us. What exactly blinds us? The beliefs and notions that we hold make us conclude that life is no more than material gain and making a name that will last through the centuries. It also causes us to assume, which for most simply means to expect. People assume too much and by the end, they’re the ones who get disappointed. This happens a lot, especially to me. I remember back a few years ago that I used to be an over-achiever. I was this kid who wanted to make her parents and family proud through recognition, there was nothing wrong with that, right? As the years mounted, I slowly turned sluggish and didn’t care as much for grades. This frustrated me. I used to look back and I would curse myself for not being enough. I assumed too that the people close to me thought of me that way. So I assured myself and my imaginary frustrated family, thinking that this was just a small break and I would eventually rise back up. But I never did. I found out later on that it was actually me who had set standards too high for me to grasp to compensate for the lost years when I wasn’t ‘enough’ in their eyes. All the while, my family kept telling me that it wasn’t the recognition or the achievements that were important but the lessons and the wisdom that we learn and practice along the way. So that explains why I was so angst-ridden in my early teenage years: I screened my vision of the person that I was and impaired my esteem all because I assumed wrongly that I would be happy and my parents would be happy IF I remained on top. I ended up expecting too much and became depressed.

Secondly, I think it also has to do with our connection with God. It is a common idea that we descended from God, the almighty father. So as children, we would naturally want to be gods ourselves. We wish to be infallible and immortal like him. This is manifested by the decaying bodies that we still keep and refuse to let go and all the efforts we do to attain flawless ivory skin. But humans attaining the same level as the father will never happen. We can only be gods by the perfect love that God shares with us and when we share that same love with others as well. From this theory comes another possibility: what if we were never meant to be happy in this life because we are incapable of being contented? We are after all, selfish beings by nature whose thirst for gratification is as deep as the ocean. To illustrate this argument, take a look at the dreams of the youth. Are they not huge ambitions which are too much for the size of the average adolescent? I won’t deny it: I do want more than my fair share; I too dream of stars that are far beyond my reach because I want to make my family stable.

The last theory that I have is my favorite. I have thought about this long and hard, and I play it over and over in my head to analyze it even more thoroughly. Maybe because of our busy but monotonous routines, we forget to be happy. Maybe once upon a time, all of earth enjoyed a state of profound happiness but then it eventually faded as soon as man invented work, standards and logic. Have you observed babies when they play and then compare their actions to people our age or much older people? Do you notice the light in their eyes, the curiosity shining through? As babies, man, I believe, is absorbed with excitement, wonder and smiles, requiring only the basic amenities (milk, food, water, love, rest and play) in order to survive. But as we age, we become more complicated and the sense of wonder and contentment dissipates in the background.

When I think of it, these three are interrelated somehow. And I believe that they hold some answers no matter if they are proven to be true or not. I really think humans forget to be happy because they have such high expectations due to their ambitions and their dreams of surpassing heaven. We blind ourselves with temporary elements to pass the time and to create a reason to forget. We forget how to be grateful and how to take happiness out of ourselves and spread it all around us. The issue isn’t so much as not succeeding to be happy but rather, to remember how to be complacent and grateful by living purely everyday.