no contract no support

July 18, 2012

when was the last time you really listened?

i don’t know if i can still do this. i honestly felt like giving up a long time ago. i know i know, it’s an opportunity for me to grow and for me to earn and contribute to the family needs, but what i worry about is the responsibility of managing 10-12 different personalities until February. this project is actually very beautiful and i can see that its impact will create ripples that’ll sustain the community in the long run, but am i really the one for this job?

i have so many bosses to report to and there are reports to update, people from the different sectors i have to entertain and even more people to delegate the tasks, but why is it that i feel so alone, so abandoned and left out?

the thing that ticks me is the fact that i would rather be alone and yet my job entails me to handle people. i’m not really fond of people. i can hide that fact but for how long, i’m not really certain.

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when was the last time you really listened? ’cause i wouldn’t mind speaking out, if you’d only let me.

of course, i don’t want to ruin everything, so don’t worry, i can hold it in a little bit longer. anyway, there are mental institutions nearby in case i won’t be able to handle everything.

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there’s this persistent drive to break loose, to fly away and to just be in the wild on my own, but the more i take steps towards it, the more i feel imprisoned.

i guess it has to do with the guilt. it always has to do with guilt, whenever i come across a dead alley from deciding whether to tend to myself or to delay all my plans for a while and help out.

what is so wrong with being selfish anyway? it’s got less to do with the concept of forgetting everyone else as i focus everything on myself and more of the notion that i just want to be left alone. i believe i earned that privilege after all the years i stayed to support my younger and older siblings, my nephew and my mom. i’m twenty-one years old now, and i have plans of my own too, so when can i break off and actually fulfill these lifelong ambitions which i kept aside for so long?

i’ve always tried my best to prioritize my family before anything else and i’ve done what i can to make them content, even giving up my passion to pursue a different sect in the christian religion, all to win their favor, but isn’t it about time that i stop and consider what i actually plan to do with my life?

there are times when i suddenly feel hollow and there’s this uncontrollable urge to cry, to self-explode, to shed tears quietly. at first, i blamed stress and the countless times i suppressed everything, but now i’ve come to understand that it may have well to do with the contradicting pathways i face on most days.

on the one hand, i want to provide for mama and take care of her so that she will finally find rest and cease complaining about all the injustice the world has brought upon her. if i could, i would want to send her to a country she likes and leave her there as a hard-earned vacation of sort. i also want to aid in financing for my younger siblings as they finish their studies and pursue their respective fields, as well as contribute to my nephew and cousins.

but on the other hand, i can’t wait and hold out forever. i can’t live in constant stagnation, feeding on self-denial, my goals always on hold as i waste away my youth and idealism. i would want to maximize all the remaining years of my life as much as possible.

yet at the end of it all, there would still be a deficit in the availability of resources. like it or not, i would still have to work my ass off just to meet and fulfill prerequisites to the life that i want to live.

***

this was last may 17, 2011 (after the incident that involved me, my friends, my sister and my mother) :

my life is a tragedy, and even if i try to run away from it, it clings to me like my own skin.

(scream)

of grades and nursing

September 12, 2009

so how am i supposed to explain this phenomenon that seems to drag on and on and on?

we spend time, energy, sweat, saliva and materials, and yet we get almost nothing in exchange. aren’t we really just working for nothing but letters and numerical figures by the end of each semester? and when i think about it, grades aren’t even real! hell, they’re not even tangible. but we go through oceans and move beyond continents just for a measly letter off the alphabet that supposedly summarizes our performance! ha! one letter to cover the entire scope of my skills and the things that i learned?

and from that grade, from that single character written down in ink, lays our future. that letter can either make or break our sanity, can either be the drug to trigger our highs or the alcohol to pull us down the drain. that small figure stands as the main chairman between father and son, daughter and mother, aunts and neices/nephews on whether they’d share an open thrapeutic relationship or not.

and from there, comes the need to fulfill expectations and the illusion that we have to redeem ourselves for the sake of our parents and our ever supportive families.

when you think about it, it’s the angst ridden teenagers like me who would still suffer in the end. and they call it a fair system. pfft.

moving on.