“Honesty means that whatever you’ve done, good or bad, you speak the truth about it. In other words, you don’t lie.

Integrity means that you adhere to a moral conviction, or code of honor, that won’t allow you to do certain things that you feel would debase you.”

Can you guess which value I chose to uphold?

I didn’t want to debase myself by being all too personal and by breaching the confidentiality between our superiors and I. I chose not to lie, but yes, i also chose to be quiet, to hide, if you will. but i never chose to hurt your ego by not telling you first or by making up lies. i answered your question based on the principles i held.

i apologize, but this is how professionals work i guess. and you, of all people should understand that this is all work, nothing personal.

***

i’m drained from thinking if i was being selfish or i was just too much of a child trying to please her older sisters. but by the end of it all, i still think i did what i thought was right. maybe it wasn’t the best for everyone but yeah, maybe they should have told us altogether to be fair. let me tell you though, this haunted me each and every day since they told me about it. i carried it with me like a chain wrapped around my neck. so don’t tell me i didn’t think about you and the rest of the team because you have no idea what sort of suffering i went through by just being quiet.

wLJSgTgAom8

I cry with you, believe me.

Let me give you the truth:

I was told that I would be hired in the afternoon of May 18, and I had to pass my requirements on May 19 so that it would be hand carried to Manila. Since the four of us had planned to get together on May 19, I slipped away from the group, saying I would be at St. Mary’s when I was actually on my way to the staff house to submit my requirements. after submitting, I would then go back to divisoria to you. unfortunately, they would not let me go. they brought me to ketkai and invited me for lunch, but since i had told them i would be meeting you, i told you i bumped into them after i went to the banks and they invited US for lunch.

so, we had lunch, and then we were told of the possibilities–that of the four of us, only two would get hired as staff. they mentioned names including mine, and so i thought it was understandable that i applied for the job without you knowing.

call me a liar, call me a traitor. but i did what i thought was right. i obeyed them when they told me to keep mum. and although a part of me wanted to tell you the recent developments, i chose to carry on the heavy feeling inside me for the past days and until the day comes that they would finally gather us all for the official announcement.

**

put yourself in my situation then maybe you’ll understand my silence. i am caught in between. i am a private individual but i also value honesty and trust. i wasn’t sure of the outcome of my application and of what would become of us but then i was also not able to share anything with anyone completely all because i vowed to keep it to myself.

it’s not easy to be me.

pagmahay

May 11, 2012

we all have limits, and i think i reached mine. so let me be silent as i find the strength to go on. i was at fault–i was too hopeful. when reality set in, i found it felt unreal and unbelievable.

but i understand now.

we’re all selfish in our own ways. i’m re-assigning cynicism as my virtue starting today, just so i would reap less regrets.

**

modern technology has allowed us to communicate with anyone anywhere anytime. the irony is that although we have more accessibility, there is a degradation with our ability to care genuinely, to speak up with prudence and tact and to sincerely take time to listen to the people who matter. is communication really that hard? or have we become complacent that we put less effort to communicate? or perhaps we have grown less sincere with our words and gestures?

if this is what is to become of the human race, then i give up technology. losing the quality of face-to-face conversations and physical presence for the sake of convenience isn’t worth it. it’s not all about rejection or confrontation and it’s not always about us. the determination to block out our true selves in order to avoid rejection only illustrates how selfish humans truly are.

and besides, we weren’t born for the sole purpose to please everyone.

 **

i know i half expected it all this time, but it’s still disappointing when it dawns on me that i was taken for granted, that my hospitality was overstayed and that by the end of it all, i was just used.

i hope i don’t reach that point where everything becomes impersonal and technical to me that even individuals are treated as disposable objects.

okay, maybe i felt too much or spent too much time over analyzing the situation. or maybe i was just plain vulnerable.

lesson learned.

***

i’ve always thought you were real and sincere. but now i don’t know what to think anymore.

you made me believe that we were friends, that you were really interested to spend time with me as me, not as a colleague, but i assumed wrong. very wrong.

all we asked was some coordination and proper communication but i guess that was too much to ask since you seem to be more comfortable talking to one of us in behalf of the two teams.

it’s all heartbreaking and discouraging because you’ve caused me nothing but a heavy heart. and although i try not to carry it around in display, i can’t help but think about it over and over, trying to pinpoint what i did wrong or what i failed to do or what i did too much.

what do you really want? and more importantly, who or what am i to you really?

in spite of it all, at the back of my mind, i still hold on to all the text messages you sent me before–all those sweet lines that pulled me closer to you thinking you were opening yourself to me genuinely. but i know it will only hurt me, eventually. and so now i will start wearing a mask for everyone’s benefit. :/

Dear G

April 14, 2012

i want to help.

but i don’t know which path i will best be of service.

i need to know soon, so if you could, make me understand. 

enlighten me and grant me the grace to accept whatever plan you have for me.