it’s guilt, isn’t it?

there’s this persistent drive to break loose, to fly away and to just be in the wild on my own, but the more i take steps towards it, the more i feel imprisoned.

i guess it has to do with the guilt. it always has to do with guilt, whenever i come across a dead alley from deciding whether to tend to myself or to delay all my plans for a while and help out.

what is so wrong with being selfish anyway? it’s got less to do with the concept of forgetting everyone else as i focus everything on myself and more of the notion that i just want to be left alone. i believe i earned that privilege after all the years i stayed to support my younger and older siblings, my nephew and my mom. i’m twenty-one years old now, and i have plans of my own too, so when can i break off and actually fulfill these lifelong ambitions which i kept aside for so long?

i’ve always tried my best to prioritize my family before anything else and i’ve done what i can to make them content, even giving up my passion to pursue a different sect in the christian religion, all to win their favor, but isn’t it about time that i stop and consider what i actually plan to do with my life?

there are times when i suddenly feel hollow and there’s this uncontrollable urge to cry, to self-explode, to shed tears quietly. at first, i blamed stress and the countless times i suppressed everything, but now i’ve come to understand that it may have well to do with the contradicting pathways i face on most days.

on the one hand, i want to provide for mama and take care of her so that she will finally find rest and cease complaining about all the injustice the world has brought upon her. if i could, i would want to send her to a country she likes and leave her there as a hard-earned vacation of sort. i also want to aid in financing for my younger siblings as they finish their studies and pursue their respective fields, as well as contribute to my nephew and cousins.

but on the other hand, i can’t wait and hold out forever. i can’t live in constant stagnation, feeding on self-denial, my goals always on hold as i waste away my youth and idealism. i would want to maximize all the remaining years of my life as much as possible.

yet at the end of it all, there would still be a deficit in the availability of resources. like it or not, i would still have to work my ass off just to meet and fulfill prerequisites to the life that i want to live.

***

this was last may 17, 2011 (after the incident that involved me, my friends, my sister and my mother) :

my life is a tragedy, and even if i try to run away from it, it clings to me like my own skin.

(scream)